The Unforgiving Servant: What Jesus Teaches Us About Forgiveness
Notes from the message preached by Nate Bush at New City Church in Albuquerque, NM, on June 21, 2026.
Forgiveness is one of the hardest things a person can do. Whether it is a friend who betrayed you, a parent who hurt you, or a stranger who wronged you, carrying unforgiveness is something most of us know all too well. In Matthew 18, Jesus tells a parable that cuts straight to the heart of why we struggle to forgive and what it truly costs us when we refuse.
Why Does Conflict Happen Even Among Christians?
There is no "ostrich doctrine" in Christian faith. We do not get to bury our heads in the sand and pretend conflict does not exist. Jesus Himself expected His followers to experience conflict, and He gave them a clear process for handling it.
In Matthew 18, just before Peter asks his famous question about forgiveness, Jesus lays out a step-by-step approach to resolving conflict within the community of faith:
Go to the person privately and address the issue directly.
If that does not work, bring one or two others to help discern the situation.
If that still does not work, bring a small assembly of believers into the process.
If there is still no desire for reconciliation, the goal shifts from resolution to conversion.
The final step is not about giving up on someone. It is about recognizing that a person who refuses to seek or offer forgiveness may not have truly received the gospel. As Jesus said, the goal is always to "gain your brother."
How Many Times Should You Forgive Someone?
Peter thought he was being generous when he asked Jesus, "Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive Him? As many as seven times?" Jesus answered, "I do not say to you seven times, but seventy-seven times." (Matthew 18:21-22)
Jesus was not giving a literal number. He was saying: forgive as many times as it takes. Forgiveness, within the kingdom vision of Jesus, is a never-ending process rooted in how much we ourselves have been forgiven.
What Does the Parable of the Unforgiving Servant Teach Us?
Jesus follows His answer with a parable. A king calls in a servant who owes him 10,000 talents, a debt so enormous it would take thousands of lifetimes to repay. The servant begs for mercy, and the king, moved with compassion, forgives the entire debt.
That same servant then goes out and finds a fellow servant who owes him 100 denarii, a tiny fraction of what he was just forgiven. Instead of showing mercy, he seizes him by the throat and throws him in prison.
When the king hears what happened, he is furious. He says, "You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you pleaded with me. And should not you have had mercy on your fellow servant, as I had mercy on you?" (Matthew 18:32-33)
The parable is a mirror. It asks us to look honestly at the gap between the forgiveness we have received and the forgiveness we are willing to give.
What Does Forgiveness Actually Mean?
Forgiveness is not the same as excusing someone's behavior. It is not pretending the offense did not happen. Real forgiveness involves four things:
Naming the wrong truthfully. Forgiveness starts with honesty, not cover-up or half-truths.
Identifying with the other person as a fellow sinner. This means resisting the urge to reduce someone to their worst moment.
Releasing the wrongdoer from liability by absorbing the debt yourself. This is costly. It means choosing not to seek revenge.
Aiming for reconciliation rather than permanent separation. The goal is always restoration when possible.
Forgiveness is not opposed to justice. It is opposed to vengeance. Vengeance wants to make someone pay. Forgiveness pays the debt on their behalf.
What Happens When You Refuse to Forgive?
The unforgiving servant in the parable ends up in prison. That is not a coincidence. It is the point.
Unforgiveness imprisons you. Resentment chains you to a past event and robs you of your future. As Frederick Buechner put it, "Of the seven deadly sins, resentment is possibly the most fun. The chief drawback is that what you are wolfing down is yourself."
Bitterness, anger, joylessness, and depression are the fruit of a life lived in unforgiveness. The antidote is not time. It is forgiveness.
N.T. Wright describes it this way: "Forgiveness is more like the air in your lungs. There is only room for you to inhale the next lungful when you have just breathed out the previous one. If you insist on withholding it, you will suffocate very quickly."
How Do You Teach Forgiveness to Your Kids?
Parents have a unique opportunity to build a culture of forgiveness in the home. One practical approach is the difference between punishment and discipline. Punishment tries to extract a debt. Discipline tries to develop a child. They are not the same thing.
A simple exercise for siblings in conflict: have them sit facing each other, express what they experienced using "I" language rather than blame, and then say out loud, "I'm sorry for..." and "I forgive you for..." The goal is not perfection. It is practice. Twenty-five percent heart in reconciliation is far greater than one hundred percent retribution with no reconciliation at all.
When this becomes a normal part of family life, something powerful happens. The phrases "I'm sorry" and "I forgive you" become second nature, and the time it takes to get there grows shorter and shorter.
How Do You Forgive Someone Who Has Deeply Hurt You?
Many people are carrying unforgiveness for wounds that go back years or even decades. A helpful starting point is to create a list of offenders and offenses. Write them down. Resentment has a way of revealing itself when you pay attention to it.
For those who are believers, follow the steps Jesus outlines in Matthew 18 when possible. For those who are no longer in your life, or where direct confrontation is not safe or possible, prayer is a powerful tool. Here is a simple prayer to guide you:
"The debt I owed for my sin was death. Jesus, You paid my debt and forgave my sins. Would You help me to forgive [name] for [what they did], like You have forgiven me? Help me to be free from anger, depression, and resentment over this offense. I forgive [name], and I no longer count this offense against them. I am no longer seeking retribution for what they have done to me. May it be so, in the powerful name of Jesus. Amen."
Is Forgiveness Evidence of Real Faith?
Jesus makes a sobering statement at the end of the parable: "So also my heavenly Father will do to every one of you if you do not forgive your brother from your heart." (Matthew 18:35)
Forgiveness is not just a nice quality for Christians to have. It is a qualifier of genuine faith. The forgiveness we extend to others is proof that we have truly received forgiveness from Christ. A life marked by persistent unforgiveness raises the question of whether the gospel has truly taken root.
As Romans 12:19-21 reminds us: "Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, 'Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.' To the contrary, if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink... Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good."
Life Application
This week, take time to sit quietly and ask God to bring to mind anyone you are carrying unforgiveness toward. Write their name down. Then use the prayer above to begin the process of releasing that debt. You do not have to feel it fully to start. Forgiveness is a practice, not a single moment. Take one step toward freedom this week.
Ask yourself:
Is there someone in my life I have reduced to their worst quality, refusing to see them as a fellow sinner in need of grace?
Am I seeking retribution in any relationship, even subtly, rather than releasing the debt?
Have I truly received the forgiveness God offers me, or am I still trying to earn it? How does my answer show up in how I treat others?
The freedom Jesus offers is real. But it only comes when we open our hands to receive His forgiveness and then open them again to give it away.
